Stan's Stuff. Guide to slang.

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A Guide To Modern English Slang.

Abra-Kebabra: A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Back End of the Batmobile: The state of your Brass Eye soon after you eat a really hot curry. I had a Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant last night, and now I've got a dose of Gandhi's Revenge. My arse feels like the back end of the Batmobile."

Beaver Leaver: or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.

Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Boiler Suit: The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus aforethought, score with a Bobfoc last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.

Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Breaking the Seal: Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Budgie's Tongue: or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag. The female erection.

BVH: Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.

Cider Visor: Beer Goggles for the young drinker.

Cliterature: 1-handed reading material.

Cock-A-Doodle-Poo: The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.

Crappuccino: The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.

Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Etch-A-Sketch: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

Fizzy Gravy: or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea.

Flogging On: Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

Frigmarole: Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit: The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Going For a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

McSplurry: The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.

Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NBR: No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

Picasso Arse: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Starfish Trooper: or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.

10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger: A lesbian.

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

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