Stan's Stuff. Tests in the north and south.

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TEST 1: MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN MANCHESTER:

NAME ________
NICK-NAME _______
GANG NAME ________
NAME YOU WANT ON YOUR GRAVESTONE __________

1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells a "fat one" to the Vinster for 300 notes and 90 grams to Tommo for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his stash?

2. Ant pimps 3 brassers in the Hacienda bogs. If the price is 40 quid a royde, how many roydes per day must each brasser perform to support the Vinster's 500 quid a day crack habit?

3. Whacka wants to cut the kilo of coke he bought for 7k to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need to make the coke "top banana"?

4. Christy got a 6-year stay at the Strangeways Hotel for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends £33,100 per month on thermal underwear and waterproof coats, how much money will be left when he gets to tread the cobbles again?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his hard-earned?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint if you get 20% extra paint free?
Extra Credit Bonus: How many cans will fit in the hood of a standard Kangol anorak?

6. Liam steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Eamo loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled before he gets "sorted"?

TEST 2: MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTH:

NAME__________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________
__________________(if longer, please continue on separate sheet)
SCHOOL___________________________________
DADDY'S COMPANY_________________________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing (x) amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local JP to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of (y). The difference between (x) and (y) is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month, she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace dress. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Rupert is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However, he only has access to the Hoover every thirdweek. When does his Sunday Independent column start?

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